Dear Diary-

I finally got a chance to sit down with the October 2013 Private Islands newsletter and it was only a 3 star showing. Let’s talk about why, and let me show you my favorite featured island which is super cute. Yes cute.

First Off…

 Let’s just admit I’m always going to ignore islands in Canada and Maine and the like, because A) they’re a dime a dozen up there, and B) who wants an island where it snows? The only possible redeeming quality is lobsters, but they have those in warm places too, Diary. I can’t even be bothered to make the pictures legible.

Behold the Featured Island: Meh-lody Key

This month’s featured island is Melody Key in the actual keys of Florida, and it’s being auctioned off online Nov. 11-14. Get your $350,000 escrow deposit in by Nov. 13th, Diary! You have to bid over $3.5 million, which is a “steal” because it was previously offered at $6 million.

This is because…

…this island is a bit of a dog. Sure, it has 6 acres, a solar inverter, and a “landside” lot with a dock on Summerland Key for you to drive your boat to so you can go to the grocery store and keep your car there or even build a house on it for the riff raff, but it’s kind of tacky, don’t you think Diary?

I mean, ew. If this is post-multi-million dollar renovation I hope they got a lot of solar panels.

OK, so they do have Viking appliances and a plunge pool and a rooftop observation deck and a desalination system. But I just can’t get excited about this one. I mean, they had to ship that Eames chaise in by boat, you’d think they would be equally selective with the paint and the ceiling fans.

In short, Diary, this one isn’t for me.

Black’s Island Does a Little Better

This one is better, Diary, but I’m a little stumped by the location/amenities combo. It’s on the north Gulf Coast of Florida, right in the armpit. It’s closer to Appalachiacola than Panama City, y’all.

Yet it has 26 (count ’em) luxury bungalows.

Price upon request.

That means you pretty much either have to be a Florida-loving bajillionaire with lots of friends, or operate a resort. Who wants to go resorting on a luxury island off Appalachiacola? Not me, Diary.

However, I can’t front on the amenities because this sucker has it all. Besides the 26 luxury bungalows, it’s got a 6,500 square foot (unappealing decorated, but I digress) “Big Game Lodge,” an 18 hole golf course, and lighted tennis courts. Of course with all that, 23 of the bungalows are probably for staff.

But wait, there’s so much more:

• heliport (always wanted one of those)
• 3 beaches
• 4,000 foot grass airstrip just 1 mile away!
• putting green with sand traps (in case the 18 hole golf course is booked up)
• pool and spa
• hot tubs
• massage, steam room, and workout areas
• two bars
• a bay-level café
• a full-service restaurant
• 11 two story, 3-bedroom bungalows
• 15 one story, 2-bedroom bungalows
• all cedar closets (yum)
• a ferry (to take you to the airstrip)
• fresh water springs

Shit, Diary, this island is growing on me.

Nonetheless, I’m not in the luxury Florida Panhandle resort biz, and never will be.

The Winner!

The beautiful and reasonably priced Isla Paloma, in Panama.

At only $400,000, it’s a steal, Diary!

Here’s the kinds of trees it has: coconut, pineapple, banana, coffee, avocado, mango, cashew, almond, lemon, lime, grapefruit, sugar cane, lemon grass, ginger, cilantro, oregano, basil, mint, spinach, peanut grass, roses, hibiscus, papyra, crotus, caladiums, ferns, orchids, heliconia, plumeria, and more!

It comes with a boat, a solar system, and it’s just 25 minutes from the airport.

It’s a magical tiny tropical hideaway.

Only 1 bathroom.

But still hands down the winner of this month’s Private Islands newsletter.