Every year (for two years, I know) some snarky dude at Deadspin (OK he’s pretty legit with books and stuff but that doesn’t make him an arbiter of taste) snarks all over the Williams-Sonoma holiday catalog. So rude, like snarking on the Neiman Marcus Holiday fantasy gift book. That’s for jealous people.

TL;DR

This year, I couldn’t take it any more so I shall rebut. TL;DR These are GIFTS, for the PERSON WHO HAS EVERYTHING. Like all the poor Gwyneth Paltrows you know. Jeez. Duh.

Handmade Snowflake Marshmallows

Apparently, this dude has never eaten a marshmallow that wasn’t made out of high fructose corn syrup, dextrose, and bat guano, because those things are nasty. Making your own  is a delisious, messy pain in the ass. If I was throwing a winter bonfire I would totally make my own unless I didn’t have time, and then I would buy these.

Three Months of Pork

Yeah, $100 for 6 lbs of pork sounds like a lot, but it’s only like $15 a pound (hello Whole Foods) and do you really want your pig meat to eat chicken feet and cement and cost $0.99? Also, IT’S A GIFT?! Also, these pigs ate acorns and garlic and had therapy and got hugged to death. Just because you don’t like nice things doesn’t mean I can’t. Of course I can make my own sausage using a 200 year old recipe, so clearly me and Deadspin Guy aren’t on the same page.

Butter Making Kit

I have an adorable Le Creuset butter keeper that cost about the same as this whole kit! So for the same price, you can get a butter keeper and some other cool stuff. It’s soooo nice because your butter is airtight yet stays soft and room temperature. Clearly Deadspin Guy doesn’t throw very nice dinner parties because making my own butter and molding it and stamping it with a specially designed dinner party themed stamp sounds like heaven. Also, you can just make the butter in the blender and use the crock/churn for fermenting.

Monogrammed Steak Brand

I thought everyone had done time as a best man at a wedding in Texas, but apparently not. IT’S A GIFT! Also, dinner parties. If it was the 90s and you cared how people liked their meat done you could get ones with different doneness indicators. Nowadays you could do cuts of meat? Or just get one for every guest as a party favor – brand their steaks AND their disposable eco-friendly bamboo plates!

Charitable Muffins

I GUESS it’s OK to make fun of something that’s obviously a charitable donation ploy / gift for the bleeding heart liberal exotic muffin lover in your life. I mean, I want to go volunteer to teach people baking skills in SF now. What else do you send people who live in Portland that you don’t know very well?

Breville Smart Waffle Maker

How are you gonna entertain children at your next brunch if you don’t have a waffle bar? The irony is that I suspect the writer loves waffle bars – you know the kind with the badass industrial waffle machines that you flip over? The one in the Dartmouth cafeteria costs $800, bro.

Gingerbread Estate

Sure, it’s lame not to show a picture of the sure-to-be-amazing gingerbread estate, but let’s not forget this is a catalog that reminds you what to look for when you are sipping mulled cider while your SO is monopolizing the knife lady in the actual real Williams-Sonoma. I bet it’s really really nice, perfect for when the kids are too tired from the flight to Aspen to make their own.

Miele Rotary Iron

The holiday season is a time when you’re spending a lot of money and it’s a nice time to hide extravagant purchases for yourself in the general frenzy. Do the math! You can save like $20-40 a week in housekeeper ironing time. And it’s Miele so it will last forever. It pays for itself! Who hates ironed sheets? Not even animals. It ain’t trickin’ if you got it.

Backyard Beehive & Starter Kit

Why buy beekeeping equipment from diverse and untrustworthy internet sites when you can buy a whole beehive set from a brand you trust? (And regarding the chicken coop that wheels around… Apparently this is written by a city boy because everyone knows that chicken shit is the best fertilizer – just roll it around your garden to make it rain nutrients on all the prize winning heirloom veg you’re growing for the fair).

Fight Junk Mail!

Next year, if you don’t want to know what kind of cool and awesome gifts some people are buying each other, just go to Catalog Choice and unsubscribe. You can save trees, but don’t tell anyone because saving trees is for snobby rich hippies, not regular dudes.